Haunted by Memories
by wolf116
Summary: BuffySpike Pov. What they think about when they are in different places listening to the same song. Better summary inside. Even though I suckk badly at them
1. Default Chapter

Haunted by Memories  
  
Summary: Buffy/Spike POV. It is a songfic. The song is Haunted by Evanescence. What B/S think about when Spike is at the bar at W&H and Buffy is at a nightclub on a two-hour delay for a flight back to L.A. listening to the same song at the same exact time. I hope it's better than the summary. God knows I suck at summaries.  
  
Disclaimer: I wish I owned all of this, especially Spike. Of course I don't because Joss just won't give them up and I've tried to convince him, but he just laughed in my face and slammed the door. I will keep trying though. I don't own the song either, I just wish I had that woman's voice is all.  
  
Distribution: If you want it, take it. Just let me know or I might vamp and bite you.  
  
I can't believe we're actually going back. I said it would be a lot longer than eight months, before I'd return. Now I'm sitting here in some seedy bar/nightclub, waiting for a flight I really don't want to get on, but Angel called and said he needed me. Of course I said "Okay, Angel me and the Scoobs will be on the next flight we can get." It probably would have been better if I weren't sitting here at the bar, I expect Spike to walk up like he did last time I was sitting at a bar.  
  
I really don't need to be thinking about him right now, but I can't stop. We met outside a bar; he came to me in a bar after Willow's forgetting spell. We beat up Willy quiet a lot in his bar. When I think of a bar, I think there is a room in the back where demons play kitten poker. I had some pretty good times in bars, but most of the time Spike was there and damn it I miss that stupid vampire. He just had to go and get himself dusted, because he thought it was 'The Right Thing To Do'. Don't get me wrong, he did a totally brave and unselfish thing, he just didn't consider the consequences of his actions. Plus, we had no idea what that amulet was really going to do.  
  
Willow, Xander and Dawn are out there on the dance floor, getting their groove on. No Kennedy thank god. That girl gets on my last nerve. They asked if I wanted to go with, but I'm just not in the mood for the dancing. Moping. Yeah, moping is my thing now.  
  
So, I'm sitting here at the bar, staring into my hot, Diet Coke. Spinning the glass around in the moisture where the ice melted at least a half hour ago.  
  
I can't believe I'm going back or nearly back to where I lost my home and the one person on this earth who was always there for me, even if he was totally annoying and a pain most of the time. He was also the one person I can honestly say that I loved, or should I say I love, because I still do. There's not a day that goes by I don't wish I had told him sooner, but I had just figured it out for myself. At least I did tell him though.  
  
AN. Before you ask, this isn't it, just the first part. This one is totally finished. I will be putting up a chapter at least once a day, if not twice.  
  
Please review and tell me if it sucks or is good or if I should shoot it and put it out of its misery. 


	2. Spike

Haunted by Memories Chp.2  
Disclaimer in first chappy  
Song is in {}  
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{Long lost words whisper slowly to me}  
  
Damn, what is up with every one and this bleeding song? They put it in the sodding jukebox and every time I come in here the bloody thing is playing.  
  
I'm sittin' here minding my own business and Lorne, the big, green wanker has to play the damned thing.  
  
Only reason I complain about it is that it reminds of the last words I said to Buffy, and the last words she said to me. "I love you." Never in a million years thought she'd utter those three little words to me, but she did. I'm just left wondering if she really did mean them. I was a complete git for saying I didn't believe her. I couldn't let her stay in there though, had to make her leave. Figured if I didn't deny her she'd stay and I couldn't let her die again. If someone was gonna die it was gonna be me. I didn't expect to be brought back, figured I'd just be gone, no more.  
  
Jake, the bartender walks by, finally. I glance up at him as he does. He knows what I want, and grabs my glass as he sees me glance at him.  
  
"Give me the bottle." I say, no need for a glass, when the bottle will do me just as good.  
  
"Thinking about her again, Spike?" He says as he comes back with the requested bottle of Jack, and hands it to me. He's heard the whole story. Only because the first time I came in here after my little talk with Angel. I couldn't get drunk and I need someone to listen. I sat here for hours talkin' 'bout her to the poor guy. Even Angel doesn't know the whole story, I figure if he wants to know he can ask Buffy. He'd believe her more than me.  
  
"Yeah, I'm thinking about her, it's always her. You should know that by now." I say looking back up at him.  
  
"I always know when you're thinking of her, buddy. It's always hand me the bottle when it's about her." He says, knowing me better than most people. Guess I could call him a friend, if I really had any, it would be him. He's a good guy, not a good as my Slayer. Still he's a decent bloke.  
  
My Slayer, I wonder if she really is mine. I have to wonder, 'cause I doubt that I'll ever know. If it were up to Peaches, I'd never lay eyes on her again. Though he does have wolf girl hangin' 'round all the bleeding time. He still thinks that he has to protect Buffy, when it isn't his right anymore. Anyway why does she need protectin'? Especially, when she needs so much more than what he could give her, the bloody ponce doesn't get it, but I do. I always have. Never was blind to her. Maybe wanted her dead for awhile, but I always knew that she didn't need protectin' 'cause she protected herself, with all those walls and barriers. Just wish she'd have let them down a little sooner.  
  
I really believe we could have had something soddin' unbelievable, at least. 


	3. Still Here

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.3  
Disclaimer and all other info in the first chapter  
Song is in {} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
{Still can't find what keeps me here}  
  
Dawn has spotted me sitting here at the bar. She turns to my two best friends, saying something to them, then heads my way. It seems like she can tell that I have just ordered something that isn't quiet just Diet Coke. I think the girl must have some kind of radar that says 'Buffy's got alcohol.' or something. She gets to me and taps me on the shoulder. I don't turn around; just keep staring at the Jack and coke sitting in front of me. "You know Buffy and alcohol are un-mixy things." She states it as fact, as she comes to the side of my seat.  
  
Taking a sip of the drink, I answer, even though I know she wasn't asking anything. "Yeah, the song it just got me thinking about. . ." I trail off; not wanting to speak the name of the one person I wish was still here.  
  
"Spike." She sighs out, then turns to head back on to the dance floor and be with people less depressing than her sister.  
  
She understands though, she misses him just as much as I do. She also knows that when I get like this. When I'm reminded. . . Yeah, well right. She knows that I dwell there and it'll be a while before I come back.  
  
The thought of getting drunk sinks into my mind, but what's the use? It just reminds me of that time after I came back. I went to see him and I got drunk and kept telling him he was. Now that I think about it I had fun that night, even though at the time I didn't think it was all that fun. What with the getting drunk, heaving my brains out. Why'd he let me drink that whole bottle of Tequila? I had the worst hang over the world has ever seen the next morning. It was fun though, despite all of that. Spike was a totally fun guy to be around.  
  
I know what keeps me here in the memories, I dwell here because it's the only way I'll ever see him again. 


	4. Hollow

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.4  
Disclaimer in first chappy  
Song is in {}  
  
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{When all this time I've been hollow inside}  
  
Hollow inside, yep that's how I feel. Bleeding hell, I was totally hollow being a ghost and all. Not as hollow as I feel now.  
  
I guess it could also mean my Slayer, too. She was so bloody hollow and empty that year, after she was brought back. Said 'she couldn't feel anything real.' The only person she could stand to be around was yours truly. Which made me a real happy bloke at the time.  
  
At the thought of that horrible year, I have to take a swig from the bottle I've been hugging like it was her, and light up a fag. Drawing the smoke in and exhaling it, I just need to feel it running through my body. I know if Lorne sees it he'll make me put it out, because there's no smoking in the whole bloody building. Like I ever paid any attention to what I'm not supposed to do. I do what I want and don't care about the consequences, even if it might get me staked.  
  
Taking another drag and gulp, I wish that the bloody song would end already. It brings back to many memories, good ones, bad ones and horribly hurtful ones. I try not to think of her, but it's kind of hard when she's the only thing ever on my mind.  
  
I turn to check out who just walked in the bar and bleeding great, it's the green poofter and Watcher Junior. Didn't even notice Lorne leave the joint, but here he comes.  
  
I just know they're gonna come over here and bother me and I really don't want any company to help me wallow in my misery and memories.  
  
Great they keep on walking by. Thank whatever powers that are up there.  
  
Well, I guess I bloody well spoke to soon. Here comes the demon. I already know what he's gonna ask, what he always asks.  
  
"Her again, honey?" Ha, the git is so predictable. I guess because he asks that every time he sees me. Well at least every time he's seen me since Fred figured out to get me here in the flesh.  
  
I'm just wondering if I have it written in big, pink, florescent letters across my forehead or something.  
  
"Yeah, is the word Buffy written on my forehead in bright, pink letters or something?" Figured I might as well ask, 'cause it sure as hell seems like it.  
  
"Well, honey. I wouldn't say it was bright and pink, but it is written all over you. I can see it in your aura."  
  
"Sorry. It just seems like every bloke and chit in the place has asked me that in the last two weeks. What you get your body back and your business is everyone else's? I just want to be left alone, well alone 'til it's time to kick some evil's ass. That is." I mumble out, it's the truth. I do just want to be left the hell alone, with my fags and booze.  
  
Lorne chuckles at me. "Well, Spike I'll leave you alone then. Put out that cigarette, you know you're not supposed to be smoking in the building." He says over his shoulder as he walks away.  
  
Like that's goin' to happen. 


	5. He's here

Haunted by Memories  
Chp. 5  
Disclaimer is in the first chappy  
(A/N: Thanks Niki-boo and everyone else that's reviewed, to answer your question Niki. Spike is a vamp with a soul. Like he was in season seven. I'm trying to stick with the actual happenings on the shows.)  
  
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{I know you're still there}  
  
Sometimes I swear he's still here, after everything. I could swear that he's right at my side. Even though I know it's impossible. I feel him here or I did for about three weeks, then the feeling was gone. It was. . . I don't know exactly, but I knew he was around, and sometimes I can almost feel his presence. That little tingly feeling I always had. The one that I knew was him and not any other vamp. He just had this vibe about him. That's how it feels. I know I sound like insano girl, but it's true. He just had something about him that no other vampire had. I know where ever he ended up that he somehow found a way to be near me even in death.  
  
Well he always was persistent and stubborn. I guess when he told me he'd always be around, he meant it, and I believe him now that it's too late. It's like he's right here, because he'll always be in my heart. Right there in that place that only one other has ever been. Riley had a place, but not the same place that only two people could ever be. Those two people are the one's I truly ever loved and still love, but for totally different reasons.  
  
Yes, I truly did and still do love Spike. Not in the way I loved Angel, but in the end I truly do love him. I think I could have eventually loved him the way that I needed someone to love me. Only one person ever showed me that kind of love. Spike loved me with everything he had. He loved with his whole being and soul. My love wasn't like that, but in time it could've been like that. It was something deeper than I had with Angel. It was so deep that I didn't even recognize it for what it was until it was too late to do anything about it.  
  
In the end I figured it out, and at least the last words he ever heard from me was the total truth. I wouldn't have said it if it weren't.  
  
I look up from the glass; I was staring into blindly, looking up to the ceiling. I know he has to be up there. Where else would a Champion go?  
  
As I look up I send a silent prayer up to him and tell him I love him. I know you're still with me, protecting me, and most of all I hope that you are still loving me. 


	6. Watching and Drowning

Haunted by Memories  
Chp. 6  
Disclaimer and other info in first chapter  
Song is in {} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
{Watching me, wanting me}  
  
As I look down from the ceiling, where I was sending a silent prayer to a god who forgot me over a hundred and twenty years ago. I look at the bottle still resting lightly in my hands, and that bleeding song is still playing. Feel like going and staking myself, it's so depressing it makes me want to go and dust myself. As I think about it, the next line of the song reminds me of a few years back.  
  
I watched her, for so long and had wanted her for a lot longer. I always thought I'd never have her, which if I think about it. I never really did, at least not in the way I wanted her.  
  
I remember the first time I told her I loved her. Mind you now I think about it, prolly wasn't the brightest idea I had. Far from it, but I had to make her listen to me. I remember tellin' her that I was drownin' in her. I meant it then and I mean it now. I'm just drownin' in the memories of her, now though. She's also still mostly all I think about, but now it's mixed in with how can I annoy Angel today. I smirk at that, 'cause I've done mostly everything I can think of without getting to repetitive.  
  
All the shit I've put ole Peaches through, and I'm still not all dusty. It's a wonder he hasn't staked me good and proper yet. Bugger, I'm still unliving, so I guess he either wants or needs me around. Who knows he may just let me stay because he can torture me just the same. What with every time the Slayer is brought up he says something like, she was never yours, or you never had anything with her. It hurts and he knows it.  
  
Just thinking about it. God I hope that Buffy is all right, where ever she may be. Peaches still hasn't deemed me worthy of knowing where she is, hell she could be standin' right beside me and he wouldn't say, " Hey, Spike, Buffy's standin' right beside you."  
  
I hate this not knowing and not getting my spot of violence while she was at my back. It was much better with her there. Now I have Angel and his crew, along with those soddin' lawyers always showing up and getting people we save to sign all those bloody papers and the picture takin' totally bloody, buggering insane.  
  
As I take another sip of, well actually another huge mouthful from the bottle. I finally get fed up with the music and shout at whoever will listen, "What in the bleedin' hell will it take for you bloody gits to shut this soddin' song off? Will it ever fucking stop?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
(A.N. Sorry there was no update yesterday. I was out of town, and my  
sister doesn't have Internet connection.) Hope you guys enjoyed this  
one. I promise I will update tomorrow. 


	7. Pulling, Drowning, and Gasping

Haunted by Memories  
Chp. 7  
Disclaimer in first chappy  
Song is in {}  
  
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{I can feel you pull me down}  
  
I smile at the bar tender as he walks by me. After the first sip of my drink, I had gulped down the rest of it like it was water. I didn't even taste it.  
  
It seems that he noticed my little smile and he comes over smiling as he walks. What? I think he thought I was flirting or something, when all I really want is another drink. I know he's getting ready to ask something lame like 'I get off in a few minutes' or some other kind of stupid pick-up line, so I cut him off before he can say it. "Can I get another one of these?" I ask still smiling, 'cause I know by the look on his face that he wasn't expecting that. Ha! What a loser.  
  
The song filters back through into my awareness, and the line that just played, reminds me of a lot of stuff. Of course at the time it wasn't happy memories I thought I was making, but now that's all I have of him.  
  
I felt him pull me down so many times, when those times occurred I thought that it was bad. That's why I was doing it, well part of why. Now I think back on the times he pulled me down, I realize he was trying to help me the only way he could. He knew what I wanted and he gave it freely, because he loved me.  
  
I remember the first time, in that old abandoned house. How he pulled down with him. At the time I thought it was disgusting and degrading, now well I think some of the stuff that happened was those things, but the underlying feelings as I think of it. How else could it have ended? What with the innuendos and the fighting, it was always that with us. Except that time the taunting went further than either one of us expected. I remember looking in his eyes and seeing the disbelief and astonishment there. That look will forever be in my mind and heart. How could it not be? The total of everything he was feeling for me was in his eyes at that moment. At the time I didn't cherish any of it, but now I cherish everything we had together, even if it was bad, at the time. That's all I have of him, so I have to cherish something.  
  
After the house, it was his crypt. We always seemed to miss the bed, except for the one time when I was inviso girl, and Xander walked in. I smile at that, because Xanman was always so totally clueless, I can't believe that he didn't notice Spike swatting behind him at me. Spike I finally brought myself to think his name. Still don't know if I'll ever speak his name again, but I can think it now.  
  
You know we always had this thing where he was the magnet and I was the metal, or maybe those last few years it was totally the opposite. I knew some how that there was someone other than me down in the school basement when I found him all crazy. I just didn't notice that it was him until I opened that door and seen him. After that it seemed like his presence there always pulled me back down there. Of course I never said anything to anyone. I always knew though that I was going down there on my lunch break or just when I need to see if he was all right. I did care for him then, I maybe even loved him, but at that time I didn't know exactly what I felt for anyone, least of all him.  
  
We had this attraction, moth to flame, except now I don't know which one of us was the flame and which was the moth. We both got burned, him literally, me it was that denial that I loved him.  
  
I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. Hell what woman wouldn't be? Even Will's can't deny that he was a damned fine piece of maleness. The man was totally built and those eyes, it was like he could see right into me every time he looked at me. I could've drowned in them, actually now I think about it; I was drowning and didn't even realize I was gasping for air.  
  
He always saved me though, before I was lost and floundering. Gasping for that last breath that never came. He was my rock, the only one I had in the vast ocean of despair that I always leapt into. He never pulled me down into it; he always lifted me up and away from it. He always made me smile, even when I didn't want to.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (A.N. Puma4 thanks for the review. I can't answer your question on the account that it would ruin it for you and everyone else that's reading also. To anyone else that has reviewed thank you so much, it makes my day when I get them.) 


	8. Loving is Fearing

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.8  
Disclaimer is in first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{Fearing you loving you}  
  
It sounds crazy but loving the girl is fearing her. It all just goes hand in bloody hand. 'Cause when you love her you always fear that one- day she won't be there. Told her once that I'd always be around. I always am, even if it's not in the flesh. In my heart and soul, the bloody nuisance it is at times. I'm always with her. I just hope she realizes that I'll always be there; although she thinks I'm dust in the hell mouth.  
  
When I arrived in Sunnyhell all I thought of was besting the slayer, putting another slayer in the bloody ground. Would've bagged my third slayer that night if Joyce hadn't hit me over the head with that ax. Bloody grateful to her that she did that though. When it happened wasn't too grateful, gave me the mother of all headaches that did.  
  
Three years after that first meeting, I figured out why after that I could never bring myself to kill her. Came to me in a soddin' dream of all bleedin' things. I was in love with the bint. Dru was right when she told me I was covered in her. Didn't understand what the crazy bint was on about at the time, but now I understand with perfect clarity what all her psycho ramblin' was about. Even then I was in love with Buffy. Always will be.  
  
Never thought she'd love me, but in the end she told me she did. I'm just left to wonder if she really did or if she was just fulfilling a dying mans last wish. I hope it isn't the latter, and pray that she meant it. By the way she looked when she said it. I don't know, it seemed like she meant exactly what she was saying. I had to go and tell her I didn't believe her. Only because if I let myself believe, I would've left with her and not seen it through, made sure that the world survived so she could live. All I ever cared for was on that bus, and I had to make sure that the world was safe for my Slayer and all she ever cared about.  
  
I guess I'll just sit here with my friends Jack and the fags. I'm still left wondering if she did mean those three little words, that mean more to me than anything she's ever said to me, will that and that she believed in me. That I believed with everything in me. I knew when she said those words that she meant them. I still have to question the 'I love you' though, 'cause I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one. Will I?  
  
Hell she doesn't even know I'm back. The Great Poofter won't let me or anyone else contact her and give her the news. It's not like she'd jump on the next plane, train or bus, just to come make sure it's not a mass hallucination. She'd prolly just laugh and tell whoever that it was a joke. 


	9. I Felt It

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.9  
Disclaimer and other info in first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{I won't let you pull me down}  
  
I sigh as the song drones on; I just wish the damned thing would end already. Where's a Vengeance Demon when you need one?  
  
I keep trying not to let it pull me down in the deep, bottomless pool of memories, that it's words keep reminding me of. There's just no use though, every time I think I've gotten out I just fall right back down into that pit.  
  
When Willow brought me back, Spike tried to pull me down to his level, make me believe that I belonged there with him. Just seems to me I was in a lower place than him. I ended up pulling him down in my pit of despair with me. He was trying to help me, make me see that there was actually something worth living for. I wouldn't let him help though; I just took advantage of him, and his kindness. He tried to ease my pain, the only way I suppose a vampire can. He thought he was doing the right thing. I just in turn gave him all the pain I was feeling, with my fists and words. If I could I'd take it all back, but you can't change the past.  
  
I thought he could handle all of the hurt and pain that I alone through at his feet. In the end he couldn't. He suffered through unimaginable trials that no one should have to go through. All because he wanted to be what I deserved, wanted and needed. He went and got his soul, for me. After what I put him through, he was still only thinking of me. What he thought I needed, and wanted. I didn't deserve him.  
  
I suddenly see water drip on the bar. Looking up I check to see if the roof is leaking over me. Except it isn't raining. I look back down and stare at the drop on the counter in front of me wondering where it came from. Another falls right beside the last. I finally notice that my sight is all blurry. The drops I thought was water are the tears running down my face. There's no use to try and wipe them away so I don't even try.  
  
As sit here, I gulp down another drink and I think back to the last moment, the last thing I said to him. I looked into his blue eyes for the last time. I actually did mean every word I said to him, and he didn't believe me. I know that he still loved me. When I laced my fingers with his I felt his soul right along with him. At that moment I truly felt everything he was feeling, I felt every bit of love that he had and I knew it was all for me. With everything in him his last feeling was so intense as I stood there staring into his eyes. He truly loved me with all of his being. I told him I loved him as I felt it. I don't know why he didn't believe me. I wish I did, cause he should have felt everything I was feeling for him as I felt all he felt for me.  
  
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(A.N. Thank you willowrose for the review. I'm glad you liked it. This is yet another apology, I'm sorry that I didn't get to update this weekend. I was out of town for most of it. I will be putting up at least two chapters today. Maybe more. Don't know yet.) 


	10. Hunting by Smell

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.10  
Disclaimer is in the first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{Hunting you I can smell you - alive}  
  
If I ever heard a soddin' line that was any truer. That's the one that would be it. Bloody song! Every line in it is so soddin' true. It's like it was written for my Slayer and me.  
  
I hunted her by smell many times, mind you. There's one time in particular that sticks out in my mind, though.  
  
The most terrifying night of my life or unlife I should say. The first night I just got to hold her, the night where I laid it all out there, sink or swim and all that rot. I poured my heart out to her. Told her she was one hell of a woman, and that she was the one. She always will be the one, no matter how many women I've loved or will love; she will always be the one that I want.  
  
Well, right then. She didn't quiet take my little speech as I expected. I don't know exactly what I did expect, but I wasn't expectin' the reaction that I got. Yeah, I do know what I expected. I figured she'd jump up an' run like she always did. Either that or punch me. I pissed and I wanted her to get pissed right back. Then I went and got all poncy, my plans never go the way I want, so why do I even try.  
  
Anyway, I was gonna leave after that, but she called me back, asked me not to leave her there in that house alone. I always was her bleedin' slave, of course I stayed, didn't really want to go back to the house of traitors, anyway. I was even gonna sleep on that ole' torture device the comfy chair. Then she had to go and surprise me. She asked me to hold her. Never one to refuse a lady, I did her bidding. The git I am, well not a git, I was in love. Still am, to my dying, uh, dusty end. I will always love her.  
  
"Cheer up Spike, my boy. You look like your puppy died." I hear, coming from behind me. Shaking my head, I look up.  
  
Angelus, oh bloody hell, is every poofter in the place coming into the bar tonight? Doesn't anyone have anything else to do?  
  
I just give him a 'sod off' look, and he had to go an' talk. "Oh, I see. Brooding about Buffy again, huh?"  
  
Brooding? "I don't brood, Angel. You do enough of that for everyone. I was just thinking really hard is all."  
  
Then it registers that yet another person has asked me about Buffy, and well I get pissed. Jumpin' up from my stool, I get right in his face. "Yes, Angelus, bleedin', bloody, fucking hell yes. Do I ever think about anything else?" I shout and make my point by pokin' him in the chest as I ask him the question.  
  
He backs up a few steps, so he can look me in the eyes. "You know you'll see her again, don't you? Even if it kills you both, you'll see each other again. I know you and you're a fighter and you fight for what you want. I also know Buffy, you may think that I don't, but I do. I know when the both of you love; it's not half way. She told me she didn't love you while I was in Sunnydale, but afterwards when I talked to her, she told me everything that happened. She couldn't even bring herself to say your name, Spike. Don't give up. You may see her sooner than you think." He says as he turns around and heads off towards Wes and Lorne.  
  
That's curious, he actually gave me a crumb about Buffy, wonder if he even realizes it. When I showed up here, he just told me she was all right and that she was somewhere in Europe. I just wonder if he knows exactly where she is and isn't tellin' me. 


	11. His fear

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.11  
Disclaimer is in first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{Your heartbeat pounding in my head}  
  
I'm sure if it could've, it would've that night when Spike came to me in that not so abandoned house. It would've been deafening, but he had no heartbeat. It would have been pounding so hard, that's probably the only thing I could've heard.  
  
I wonder how many times he had just wanted to hold me like he did that night, and I wouldn't let him. I guess now I'll never get to ask him.  
  
When I confronted him about it in the kitchen the night after it happened, he told me he was terrified. I believed him, because I could see it there in his eyes. He was terrified of that night, and the conversation that we were having because of it. I have to smile when I remember that he said ' It was the best bloody night of my life, and it terrified me.' If I'd had known that it was going to be one of the last nights I'd be in his arms. I would have told him it was one of the best nights of my life also. I wish I would've told him a lot of things.  
  
He tied not to show his fear, hiding behind the Big Bad façade, but when you know someone as well as we knew each other. Could read what we could with just one glance at each other, you can see the fear like a big, bright, flashing Vegas neon light. Boy, was that light a bright, shining through those big, blue eyes of his.  
  
He was so totally terrified, and I'm sure that if he looked hard enough, he seen that same fear inside my eyes also.  
  
Truthfully, I was terrified that I was gonna lose him. In that moment I figured out that my feelings for him ran deeper, than I had thought.  
  
I knew that he was in my heart like I told Angel later, but seeing that fear in his eyes. I knew that it was more than that. I knew I loved him, and still do, everyday and especially at night. He's in my mind, body, and soul. I can't shake him, even if I wanted too.  
  
The worst part of my life was also the best part, because he was there with me. He made life fun. He made life right. He was life when I had none. 


	12. To See Her

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.12  
Disclaimer in first chapter  
Song is in {} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
{Watching me, wanting me}  
  
Bloody hell! There's that soddin' line again. I've already been over this one.  
  
I watched her and wanted her for far longer than either one of us actually knew. Dru knew before me, the loon she was, she knew I wanted her. I kept tellin' myself that it was because I wanted her dead. Dru proved me wrong in the end though, didn't she?  
  
I was watching her that night at the Bronze. The night we first met, seen her dancin' with the git and the Witch. Wanted to shag her senseless and then kill her. She was one hot little bint, with that short little skirt. I see her dancin' and wish I could see her in the flesh instead of in my mind. Remember threatenin' her that night, too. ' What happens on Saturday? She asked me, she was glorious as she turned around to face me, as I clapped my hands. Had just staked one of my minions, and I didn't even give a damn as she turned to me with those green eyes shinin' after the thrill of the slay. My reply was ' I kill you' what I really wanted to say was that ' I shag you and then kill you', but you know, figured that she'd attack me if I threatened to shag her right and proper. I had a hard time killin' her after that. Every time I tried I couldn't do it.  
  
I had right where I wanted her on that Halloween and I didn't finish her off, had to take her to that warehouse, when I coulda just offed her where I found her. I didn't of course. Didn't know at the time that I'd fall in love with her, didn't even know why I didn't get rid of her when I should've.  
  
Then when she jumped from the God of Bad Home Perms, tower, I felt like it was me that killed her in the end. Dreamed of savin' her every night after it happened. I just wanted to have her back. Took a hundred and forty-seven days, but she finally came back to me. Thought she was the 'bot ' at first, then I heard her heart beating, and I didn't have words. What words could I have? I thought for a second that it was a dream. I smelled her blood, and knew it was reality. I wanted to fall to my knees and praise god in that moment. I didn't of course, me being a vamp and all.  
  
The day after she came back, she told me that she was in heaven. I just wanted to make her pain go away. I let her use and abuse me, let her do what she wanted to me, 'cause I wanted that pain to get out of her eyes. She was so haunted by the memories of heaven, I could see it in her eyes, and I could feel the pain of not being there, as if it were my own.  
  
Wanting her, yeah, I always wanted her in some form or fashion. I may be a monster, but I'm not blind, especially to something that was so beautiful. Always wanted her, now I just need to see her. 


	13. One Hundred and Fortyseven Days to Eight...

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.13  
Disclaimer is in first chappy  
Song is in {}  
  
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{I can feel you pull me down}  
  
I'm still sitting here, that song is still playing, and I keep on running down memory lane.  
  
I remember the night we met. He sent one of his lackey's out to get a bite of supper; at least that's what he told me later on.  
  
He came out of the shadows, clapping his hands, and smiling. He didn't even seem to care that I had just dusted one of his minions. I just asked him who he was, and he replied that I'd find out on Saturday. Stupid me of course had to ask what happened on Saturday. His reply startled me for a second, but I just shrugged it off. I mean how serious can you take it, when someone that looks like Billy Idol says that they're gonna kill you. Saturday never came though. He attacked on Thursday, because he got bored. I didn't know then that it would turn out to be typical Spike at that point. He was always impatient.  
  
I had to hold my laugh as I turned around, and seen him for the first time, though. In that moment, he just struck me as funny. I'm smiling now as I remember that first meeting. I shake my head and remember my second reaction to him. This vamp was hot, and he wasn't just funny anymore. I'm a Slayer, not blind. I got the full view, and boy what a view I got, after he emerged from the alley's shadow.  
  
Although I hated and loathed him, for what he was. In that moment, any woman would've told you, the way he prowled out of those shadows, that she would've fallen to her knees. I almost did.  
  
I start thinking about the impatience again. That damned vampire never had any patience at all, always jumping around, and pacing. I think the only time I ever seen him not bouncing around was when I came back. He had more patience in the beginning of that year, than I'd ever seen him have, and it was only when I was around. He'd listen and not judge what I was saying.  
  
The night I jumped from Glory's tower. He said, "I'd never love him, that he was a monster, and that he knew that. . . but. He never finished what he was gonna say, I wish that he had, so that I could have one more memory to cherish. 'Til this day I still wonder what was coming after that but.  
  
After I came back, the very night, to be exact. I asked him how long I was gone. He had counted the days, one hundred and forty-seven days. I was gone for a hundred and forty-seven days and he's been gone for eight months. Today at nine o'clock, or tonight, it'll be eight months exactly. It's funny how I think about him every month on this day, right at the same time that I lost him forever. I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't keep myself from doing it. It's a totally unconscious thing I do. The memories, not just any old random memories, pull me down either. It's always memories of him, and it always will be.  
  
(A.N. There's only two chapters left of this one. So review. I know that there has to be more than seven people actually reading this. I would love some feedback on it.) 


	14. Cold, White linoleum

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.14  
Disclaimer in first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{Saving me, raping me}  
  
Oh, bollocks. Is it ever going to quit tormenting me with stuff I really don't want to remember? The bloody song just brings back to many bad memories. That I wish I could forget.  
  
I know she forgave me for it. It's just the one thing that I never wanted to do, especially to her. I still see her in my mind. Lying there on that cold, white linoleum, crying. The harsh words she said to me. I know I deserved everything she said and more.. When I did that she should have staked me, ended her torment and mine. She didn't though, and when she seen me in the basement of the school, I figured that was what she was there for, but she just wanted information. I gave it to her of course, even though I was half outta my mind.  
  
I stare at the bottle held tightly in between my hands; I've drunk half of it in the span of one fucking song. The memories it brought back to me in shiny, vivid, bright colors. The one I'll never live down. The one that will always haunt me, the last line says it all. She saved me, I. . . "God!" I shout as I pound on the bar with my fist.  
  
I finally decide to just get up, with my bottle in hand and walk out of this torture.  
  
As I walk away the last line of the song plays out. I drop my fag to the floor and stomp it out. As my hand lies on the door to push it open I look up. "Blessed bloody peace, finally." I mumble under my breath. I don't want to be reminded of these memories that are running rampant in brain, but it is all I have of her, at this moment and I hold onto them like a drowning man to a life raft.  
  
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(Thanks to the person that left a review, I'm sorry I forgot your name. It's nice to know people are actually reading this.) 


	15. Watching Over Me

Haunted by Memories  
Chp.15  
Disclaimer in first chapter  
Song is in {}  
  
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{Watching me}  
  
He used to stand outside my window, at the tree below it. I can see it plain as day the first time I caught him out there. I asked him what he was doin', in five words or less. His reply was 'out. for. a. walk. bitch. He even counted them off on his fingers as he said it. He also said something like 'you have stupid hair, and I never liked you anyway.' I know that he had been there for a while, because no one, not even the biggest chain smoker on the planet could possibly smoke that many cigarettes in just a few minutes.  
  
I just noticed that, that last line was the end of the song. It's finally over, thank god. I don't think I ever want to hear that song ever again. During that torture of a song, I drank three of those Coke thingies. I got one hell'uva buzz, who am I kidding I'm DRUNK. Dawn was right Buffy and alcohol are un-mixy things.  
  
The gang walks over as I start to get up from my stool. I know they can see the tears staining my cheeks. I don't try to wipe them away, or even acknowledge that they are there. I smile at my friends. They all know what day and time it is. They don't say a word as I brush past Xander.  
  
They know that I try to drown my memories of him in whatever way I can. Every month on this exact day, and at this exact time I drown or try to drown them all out. It just so happens I actually drowned them, really well this time. Instead of a few slays or chocolate and some old movies, this time I drowned them with alcohol. The way Spike always did. I did it Spikes way for once. Wouldn't he be proud? No he'd probably laugh his ass off at me.  
  
My friends are still looking at me. I see the worry on their faces, "I'm o-kay." I assure them, and give them another small smile. I walk onto the dance floor, as another song starts. The gang naturally follows, they hover around me trying not to seem like they are as they dance. I know they are staying around me in case I fall again. Fall back into the memories that is.  
  
I love them, I really do, but their worry over me just makes me want to go back to the bar. The way they look at me, I just want to go over there and get even more plastered than I already am.  
  
I falter in my dancing as another memory hits me. The one after I came back, and had the repeat-o-vision hell day, I had tried everyone else I knew. I helped Xander, Giles, and Anya. Went to the college and attended classes with Willow and Tara. The only person I had left was Spike; I went and tried on his world for a night.  
  
That night, I went to his crypt. Where I proceeded to get shit- faced. We got drunk together, on top of the sarcophagus. The way he smiled when I took a drink, the look in his eyes. God I'd give up heaven again if I could just see that look one more time. That's the first time I think I ever saw him actually smile. It was a full-blown smile, not a smart assed smirk, an actual smile that lit his whole face, and I want to see that again.  
  
He watched over me, and everyone I love, not including himself. If I concentrated hard enough, I can still feel him here, watching and waiting.  
  
He haunts me so with his memories, but I wouldn't change it. That's all that's left of him, only memories and there's not enough of them.  
  
"I miss and love you, Spike." I whisper, as I imagine his blue eyes looking into mine. I just wish he were actually here to hear it, as I act as if I'm having fun dancing with my two best friends, and my little sister. Acting is all I ever do now, I go through the motions, but I always remember the vampire that loved me more than anyone ever has, and gave up everything for me.  
  
The End  
  
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(A.N. Jadedrose: Thank you for the review and yes there will be a sequel. It just won't be right away, because I'm now working on the sequel to my other story The End and Beginning. Which to everyone who has been waiting for that one, I have a few chappy's ready, but I'm not posting it for a little while. I try to have at least eight chapters before I start posting, so in case I get writers block I'll have something to post. I do have a pov that goes with the story that I'll post later this week, so that everyone will understand the sequel. Until then review this one and tell me what you thought about it.) 


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